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ae86hachiroku
20th February 2006, 11:23 PM
this is funny shit

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.Thedevil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesdayof the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't F* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living edited out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the s*** out of little kids.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "BANG!"

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f* down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy ****! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BS!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO
ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s*.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris' diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire.

Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to decapitate a man with only a slice of pecan pie.

Chuck Norris briefly lived in Utah. He fathered 117 children. In the same year.

Chuck Norris taught Guile from Street Fighter II the "sonic boom" maneuver, except Chuck used his beard.

A family of rabid mutant marmosets that are completely loyal to Chuck Norris lives in his beard. One of them is his sensei.

KAWAII_hachi_roku
20th February 2006, 11:38 PM
Originally posted by ae86hachiroku@Feb 20 2006, 10:23 PM
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
i enjoy this qoute by laughing! this is good post! good find sir! http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/smile.gif

Steve-AE86
21st February 2006, 12:03 AM
Mr T > Chuck Norris

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding
his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is
always understood.

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of
the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow
him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe
anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws
paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he
takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought
your paper would protect you."

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe
place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and
Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the
resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T
in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him
and is trying to get as far away as possible.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y.
Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and
realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has
noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being
bludgeoned.

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was
raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today
we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created
Pity.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken
you to read this sentence.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only
survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T,
and it was a warning.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in
the world.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at
Denny's forgot his birthday.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr
T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of
fear.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand
prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the hell down.
Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Blood Child
21st February 2006, 02:12 AM
where are these from? surely there are more?

this is GOLD!

driftae86
21st February 2006, 02:15 AM
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php

KAWAII_hachi_roku
21st February 2006, 11:19 AM
Originally posted by Steve-AE86@Feb 20 2006, 11:03 PM
Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only
survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
hahaha!

Bustin_86
21st February 2006, 04:04 PM
Mr. T is the man!

I ahve the first two seasons of A-team....so sad. But B.A Baracus will kick yo' awse!

Klutch
21st February 2006, 08:02 PM
Welcome to last year. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif


Sorry, if any of you play World Of Warcraft, you would understand the pain i go through when i hear a chuck norris joke.

andy9999
21st February 2006, 08:11 PM
http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif World of Warcraft? That's not a game, it's a drug. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/ph34r.gif

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/3800/mhrt4w7os.jpg

poh_86
21st February 2006, 10:23 PM
Originally posted by Klutch@Feb 21 2006, 07:02 PM
Welcome to last year. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif


Sorry, if any of you play World Of Warcraft, you would understand the pain i go through when i hear a chuck norris joke.
how about a leeroy joke?

KAWAII_hachi_roku
21st February 2006, 11:08 PM
Originally posted by Klutch@Feb 21 2006, 07:02 PM
Welcome to last year. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif


Sorry, if any of you play World Of Warcraft, you would understand the pain i go through when i hear a chuck norris joke.
can you please explain this to me as i do not understand. i am sorry.

ae86hachiroku
22nd February 2006, 01:11 AM
it means that if any of us play COMPUTER GAME - WORLD OF WARCRAFT that he would want us sympathy him for him so that feel emotion we will

Klutch
22nd February 2006, 01:22 AM
http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif World ofÂ# Warcraft? That's not a game, it's a drug. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/ph34r.gif[/b]
Agreed.



how about a leeroy joke?[/b]

LEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNKKKKKKKIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS


it means that if any of us play COMPUTER GAME - WORLD OF WARCRAFT that he would want us sympathy him for him so that feel emotion we will

I dont know if thats suppose to be sarcastic or not. But ask ANY WoW player.
I hear Chuck norris jokes every day. And the same ones, over, and over, and over, and over.
It gets very annoying after while.

ae86hachiroku
22nd February 2006, 01:25 AM
world of warcraft sux,
Everquest > WoW

Ken

Blood Child
22nd February 2006, 01:58 AM
lineage II lol

even better............... RUNESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

driftae86
22nd February 2006, 02:30 AM
i think a roundhouse kick is needed right about now

Klutch
22nd February 2006, 02:35 AM
Originally posted by Blood Child@Feb 22 2006, 12:58 AM
lineage II lol
Quoted from the guy from ALT+CTRL+DEL


Lineage 2, for example. Really pretty graphics, absolutely no depth. Next to nothing for character customization options, so everyone looks the same, and not a whole lot of frills in the gameplay department.[/b]

Anybody who dislikes WoW, obviously in my eyes isnt a really MMPORG player.

aaaaah
22nd February 2006, 10:51 AM
i just cant bring myself to pay2play.

Klutch
22nd February 2006, 03:50 PM
Originally posted by aaaaah@Feb 22 2006, 09:51 AM
i just cant bring myself to pay2play.
If you like RPG's and questing, you will love WoW.

aaaaah
22nd February 2006, 03:54 PM
i dislike paying just so i can play.

sic86
22nd February 2006, 07:11 PM
Originally posted by D0RIO86@Feb 21 2006, 07:11 PM
http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/rolleyes.gif World of Warcraft? That's not a game, it's a drug. http://www.ae86drivingclub.com.au/forums/emoticons/ph34r.gif

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/3800/mhrt4w7os.jpg
lol, nice find

Cheers