Official JOKE Thread

[riojin]

This is AE86DC's new OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD

Post as many jokes as you like. HOWEVER if your joke/s arent funny or in bad taste don't worry, we'll let you know through some harsh criticism and will expect you to not post again until you have something truely humorous to share.

Keep in mind that racism won't be tolerated on this forum.

Have fun

[Klutch]

lulz

saw it coming though :P

[flamingheads]

That was cool.
Only an old lady could get away with it tho.

[Fozz]

lol entertaining read

[driftke70]

this dude is going away on holiday, and his wifes pretty randy and he worries about her cheating on him when he's away, so he thinks to himself, ill just go to the sex shop, and pick her up something to keep her occupied while I'm away.

Anyhoo he goes down to the store and after a lengthy discussion with the owner of the shop, he reaches a verdict,

"my friend by the sounds of it your wife is very randy, there is only one thing i can think of, the voodo dildo, its got a special spell on it, and it will do what ever you tell it to do, so he says, voodoo dildo, door, and it flies through the air and tries to pound the viewing hole on the door. So he says, voodoo dildo, back in the box.

Anyway the man goes home happy, explains to his wife how she will be satisfied while hes away,
she drops him at the airport and on the way home, says to her self ,i can't wait to put that voodoo dildo in my pussy, and out it shoots out of the box on the passenger seat and straight in, she is overwhelmed with pleasure and swerving all over the road and eventually pulls over at a wierd angle on the side of the road.

A cop pulls up and says what the hell is going on here, she tries to explain to him and he just says

Ha! voodoo dildo my ass!

[riojin]

Speeding Ticket

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago fo r drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars c ircle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of yo ur vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murde red the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The off icer examines the li cense. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't hav e a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[callum1]

why are pirates greedy?





they just aaaarrrrrrrrr

hehe

[biggo]

why does beyonce sing to the left, too the left?

cos black people don't have rights! hahahahaaaa

[Klutch]

i roflmao'd

[maxhag]

Why did god create Yeast Infections?



So woman would know what it's like to live with an irritating cun t once in a while.....

[maxhag]

How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?

Look in your pants, If you have a penis, It's not time



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?


Marry it......

[riojin]

all very sexist but i found them amusing. i gotta put some rules up for this section

[riojin]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and
flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years
ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send
an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without noticing his error,
sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home
to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed
and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen, which read:


<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div>
To: My Loving Wife

Date:
Saturday, Feb 2nd,

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me.. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your
loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look
forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



PS: Sure is freaking hot down here![/b]

[Peter]

^^ Haha, not bad.

[riojin]

i like my women the way i love my cars:

its not about how quickly they get you there, its about how fun the ride was

[Klutch]

I like my women how i like my tissues.

You can blow your contents into them, and then toss them away.

[4agtezza]

lol :greenbounce:

[jcAE86]

Nice Bike:

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[jcAE86]

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[riojin]

Sheep and Pig

Fred walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is laying in the bed.

Fred: "See honey, this is the pig ive been screwing when you're not around."

Freds Wife: "That's a sheep Fred."

Fred: "Shut up bitch i wasn't talking to you."

[riojin]

Stumpy and his Wife

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[driftke70]

this tasmanian dude goes to the doctor and he says,

I'm just wondering if you can organise my 16 year old daughter to go on the pill

the doctor says, whys that, is she sexually active

"nar she just lies there like her mother"

[08ftw]

There were two women sitting in a coffee shop silently....




Haha get it?

[riojin]

3 Generals

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

[EMD-KE70]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Micknofx]

I like my women how I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up on coke.

wrong I know but I had to chuck it in...

[Klutch]

I like my women how i like my tissues. Blow your contents into them and toss them away.

[Sherlock]

^^^ Re-post...by you...on the first page :blink:

[Klutch]

OH SH-


whoops :|

[Clinton]

a horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "why the long face?"




why did the orange stop ion the middle of the road? becuase it ran out of jiuce



what the cat say to the other cat? cats don't talk so he said meow




knock knock

who's there?

orange

orange who?

orange-yaglad i didnt say banana

[riojin]

lame clinton

[GAKI86]

judging by the jokes, seems like clintons is still dealing with fractions..

anyways..

Bubbles

once upon a time, there was 3 frogs they were frolicking and having so much that until it got a lil rowdy and it got an attention of a patrolling police officer.. so the officer went to check them out..

as the officer approached the frogs : "Now, Now whats goin on here!?, what are you guys up to now, i bet you guys are up to no good!!" the officer asked.

the frogs stood still all with smirks on their faces.

the officer continued "Look this is what we are going to do, I'm going to ask the 3 of you individually, one by one, of what you were doing or you were up to. And if any of your stories differs that means you were lying!!!! and you are risking of bieng locked away!!"

"You!!" the officer pointed at the nearest frog "come here!! you and me talk!!!"

"whats your name?" officer asked.
"my names Frog" frog answered
the officer was like WTF..
"fair enough, so okay frog, what were you and your goons doing before i turned up?" the officer resumed his interrogations.
"oh nothing, we were just having fun, mucking around, blowing bubbles.." frog happily answered.
"hmm ok, sounds fairly innocent.. well off ya go youre of the hook" he dismisses frog.

he then pointed directly onto the next frog. "you, yes you!! your turn!! come here!" he demanded.

"whats your name?" officer asked.
"my names frog-frog!!" frog-frog answered.
the officer was like WTF..
"oh ok then, ic what a peculiar name you have there, so anyways what were the 3 of you were doing frog-frog!?!? breaking the law perhaps?"
"no it wasnt nothing like that!! we were just having fun bieng merry, jumping around and blowing bubbles." frog-frog happily answered.
"sounds innocent enough.. well i guess i have to let you go then, off ya go" he lets go of frog-frog...

that leaves the officer one more frog to interrogate..

"yes you the last one!! we still need to talk!!"

the frog flambouyantly struted towards the officer..

"so whats your name!?" the officer asked.
"my na-" just as the last frog was about to reply...
"no don't tell me, your name is frog-frog-frog!!! am i right? coz the first one is named frog and the one next to him his name is frog-frog then youre frog-frog-frog!!!" the officer guessed.
the last frog smiled..
"no silly!!! my names Bubbles!!!"

[skit]

ha ha ha

[mike86]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[mike86]

<div align='center'>BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN
MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME ………âà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚ ¬Ã‚¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.
GANG ………âà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚ ¬Ã‚¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.
Time allowed 1 hour
</div>
1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Dolche wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

5. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

6. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

7. If Paulie changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

8. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

9. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

10. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

11. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

12. If Paul Popolopolous hears the word “yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word “mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

13. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

14. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of “bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

15. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
a ) 2 feet away …..%
b ) 5 feet away …..%
c ) 100 feet away …..%

16. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

17. If Frank has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

18. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

END OF EXAM

[riojin]

Clever Irishman

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick: How you doin Paddy?

Paddy: I'm OK, but do us a favour; nip upstairs and get my slippers. My feet
are bloody freezing.

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on their bed.

Mick: Hi girls, your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you.

Girls: Get away with ya Mick... We don't believe that.

Mick: (shouts downstairs) Paddy, both of em?

Paddy: (from downstairs) Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin one?

[GAKI86]

got a sick* one

2 homeless bums were walking along the railway..

one told the other that he once led a normal life until his fiancee dumped him..

"see that train station over there??" bum 1 said.. "20 years ago, thats where my ex fiancee dumped me for another man, and from that day I'm pretty much same from what i am now..."

"oh.. thats so sad" bum 2 said.. "funny thing though, 20 years ago, found a chick there once.. hod dang!!! she was one horny bitch!!"

"lucky you"

"oh yeah we pretty much did everthing upon the very minute of meeting each other!!"

"now youre talking crap..what exactly did you guys do!!"

"well you know!! SEX!!"

"yea right.......i bet you just met your hand"

''I'm serious we was having sex man!!!"

''oook so did you stick it in there?"

"yup"

"fingered her?"

"that too.."

"she gave you a handjob?"

"uhuh!"

"you licked her out?"

"of course!!"

"did she gave you a blow job?"

"nah can't find her head.."

[Roku_70]

bit of an old one from england...

a man and a woman are married and she is constantly having affairs...

MAN... i am going to the shops and if you have sex while i am gone i will pull all your pubes out one by one

WOMAN... ok

a black postman walks to the door...

WOMAN... would you like 2 come in?

POSTMAN... only for a choclate buiscuit

WOMAN gives him a buiscuit and he comes in

WOMAN... do u want 2 come upstairs into my bed?

POSTMAN... only 4 a choclate buiscuit

WOMAN gives him a buiscuit and goes in her bed

WOMAN... want to have sex?

POSTMAN... only for a choclate buiscuit

WOMAN gives him a buiscuit and suddenly she hears her husband coming in!

WOMAN... hide in that cupboard

POSTMAN... only for a choclate buiscuit

so the obvious happens and she gives him a buiscuit

HUSBAND... i know what u have been doing!!!

so the HUSBAND proceeds to pulling out all of her pubes and gets to the last one...

HUSBAND... come out you black bastard!!!!!!!!!!!

POSTMAN... only for a choclate buiscuit!

another one is...

what do you do if a bird takes a shit on your car? don't take her out again!

[Roku_70]

got a few others i forgot to put in (don't take them personally if you are coloured please)...

why do black people have white palms? there is a bit of good in everyone

an abo wals into a bar with one thong on... the barman says "did you lose a thong?" and the abo replies... "no, i found one"

how long does it take for an abo to have a shit? 9 months!

[GAKI86]

^^ this may be a bit racist though...

well once there was this abodiginese fella who found a bottle..
well, not an alcholic sort.. but it was quite shiny and studded diamonds, seemingly has some sort of value..
the abodiginese guy couldnt believe his eyes.. so to make sure, he spat on this bottle and gave it a rub...

PUFFFFFF!!! out the comes a genie...
"who has summoned me will be granted 1 wish and only 1 wish it is shall be granted!!!" said the genie..

"whoa!! what happened to the 3 wishes?" the black guy asked

"well i no longer offer that as people these days can't make good wishes and always having their last wishes to make things go back the way it was.. a total waste of my magical powers" he replied..

the black fella thought it out thouroughly...

a minute later... "well what is your wish!!?" the genie asked loudly..

"well.. ive been thinking... i wish that you can turn me into pile of shit!!!"

the genie having one of his eye brows raised.. "WTF!! would you want to be like that??"

"well!!! while I'm on the ground people don't step on me and the best thing is that ill turn white in a few weeks!!!"

:D

[riojin]

i dislike racist jokes that arent funny. the last few havent been funny. pick up your game guys

[EMD-KE70]

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!"

The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

[S04R3R]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[riojin]

ive heard that cop one before. its golden though

[drft86]

Whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling you parents your gay...

[sotiros86]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (drft86 @ Feb 26 2008, 06:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> (index.php?act=findpost&pid=492977)</div>
Whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling you parents your gay...[/b]

Classic Ross Noble Quote

Same as you could kiss a man and you would be less gay than someone who rollerblades

[GAKI86]

noob bladers are pole riders :D

[robert nguyen]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (S04R3R @ Feb 26 2008, 12:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> (index.php?act=findpost&pid=492778)</div>
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'[/b]

wasnt this in fat pizza aswell? haha eitherway soo funny

[riojin]

Cheap Wine

One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for a place to sleep for the night. He
was so tired that he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club. That night two
drunk patrons are walking to their car and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster.
They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing the deed. When they are done they
slip $10 in his pocket and walk away.

The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. He rushes over to the
nearest liquor store and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!". The clerk obliges.
That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot. At the end of the evening the same two
patrons walk out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to him, flip him over and
do a repeat job on him, but this time they leave $20 for him.

The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to the same liquor store and says, "Give
me $20 of your best liquor. The clerk looks at him and says, "You could get more if you get
the cheap stuff. The wino replies, "I know, but that cheap **** makes my ass hurt."

[riojin]

just thought id bump this up. it is now my mission to keep this on the front page.

[attachment=26731:internetdate.jpg]

[Klutch]

^CAD forum? :P

[orange32]

How do you know when a pornstar has finished filling his car up with petrol?

He takes out the nozzle and sprays fuel all over the car!

[orange32]

What do nine out of ten people enjoy?



Gang rape.

[riojin]

wtf you get those outta a porno or something?

[orange32]

nah, blokes at work. Filthy bastards

[riojin]

yeah sound like the kinda thing youd get from the blokes at work. my mates dad is full of ones like those

[callum1]

Phone answering machine message:
"... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy


--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."

The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have
you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[riojin]

Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassano went to the local church for confession.

When the Priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,

"Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The Priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The Priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.

However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question."


"And what is that, my son?" asked the Priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[EMD-KE70]

A man walks into a petrol station for a snack.
Goes to the counter and asks the lady "Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?"
She goes and gets him a Kit Kat Chunky, hands it to him and he replies.
"I wanted a normal Kit Kat you fat bitch!"

.....Stolen from Zoo magazine :P

[riojin]

thats cold but funny

[GAKI86]

...haha so the horse walked in the bar and the bartender asked him "whats with the long face?"....

[riojin]

3 Dogs

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

The Dane replies: "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[snake]

Whats black and Rymes with Snoop Dog?>>>

Dr. dre

What do you call a oyster that steals all the Pearls?>>>

Shellfish.

[mrduke]

a few racist ones, don't mean to offend just a bit of fun...

whats 20 feet long and wrapped around a c**t??
a turban

whats a black man??
proof that skunks fuck monkeys??

when chuck norris does push ups he doesnt push himself up he pushes the world down??

chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

[riojin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8k3uGzgZIs

[Troy09]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (provan @ Aug 8 2008, 02:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> (index.php?act=findpost&pid=572963)</div>
a few racist ones, don't mean to offend just a bit of fun...

whats 20 feet long and wrapped around a c**t??
a turban

whats a black man??
proof that skunks fuck monkeys??

when chuck norris does push ups he doesnt push himself up he pushes the world down??

chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.[/b]

None of that around her thanks mate.
Confusious Says, man who run behind car gets exhausted.
Confusious Says, Man who piss in wind soon find wind piss back.
Confusious Says. Man Who itch bum should not bite fingernail.
Confusious Says, Who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Hehe.

[rthy]

cleaned

[riojin]

The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[daz]

One i got of the boys at work.

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?


A prostitute can clean her crack out and use it again.

[riojin]

why your parents drink


A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up.Then she saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'
With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted
to avoid a scene with Dad and you.I have been finding real
passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would
not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's
pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get
better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and
I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that
we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son Jon

P.S.

Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[daz]

^^^^^^^ Thats gold.

[hilton]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Klutch @ Feb 4 2008, 07:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> (index.php?act=findpost&pid=479978)</div>
I like my women how i like my tissues.

You can blow your contents into them, and then toss them away.[/b]

See if anyone else was to say that joke, youd flame them down and have a cry.

but since you said it, i suppose it must be alright lol.





anyways.


a dude and a coupe emates decide to go skydiving, they got in the plane, went up, got to 15000ft were they were going to jump. 1st guy jumps, 2nd guy jumps, then it comes to the dudes turn, he gets to the door, bitches out and lets a couple other people go first, the guy then gets to the front of the line again, bitches out again and goes to the back of the line again. 3 more people jump and it comes to the dude again. the guy he was jumping with started to get a bit pissed off at this dude, he said, mate, we have to jump! ready? no no no i can't do it he says, the instructor says look mate, if you don't fuckign jump, I'm going to fuck you in the arse.......

later on that afternoon the dude goes home and his dad comes up, how was it? did you jump?

the dude looks at his dad with a devo face and says. "only at first!



fair gay but only one i can think of right now damnit.

[snake]

what is the scientific name for the fatty tissue around the clitoris?

women.........

[riojin]

Breakfast in France

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

[MountainRunner]

PWND!

[riojin]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....









***********


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

[Gunner]

lol, i take it that was not a joke, how'd the rolla fair

[riojin]

its a joke. 'happy' is one of the 7 dwarfs. he said he wasnt 'happy'..... get it?

[Sprinter86]

What do you call an arab flying a plane?





A pilot you racist fuck!!!!

=D

[Gunner]

lol, well your are in sydney, so it was possible riojin.

[paulie]

This goes out to all the SA lads,,



Whats the most confusing day in Elizabeth??


Fathers day!!

[blondieyo]

ok a blonde's driving her car down a road in te country and she spots another blonde girl trying to row a boat in the middle of a wheat field.
So she gets out and runs over to the edge of the wheat field and yells "it's you blondes that give us a bad name! why, if i could swim i'd come out there and get you!"

3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.
The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."
The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a converatable and a private jet for his friend."
The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertable."

[Gunner]

that was a good first post blondie :2thumbs: