would you like to hear a joke?

[Jdm-Mcc]

SprinterBoy Delivers! Bahahahahaa

[Wally]

Q: What’s brown and often found in a baby’s diaper?










A: Michael Jackson’s hand.

[hachi86]

rofl lmao

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

Two rednecks just got married and are spending their first night alone.

The wife tells her husband that she has never done it before. He is shocked and runs out the front door and yells across the street to his father sittin on his front porch 'Dad, she has never done it before, what should i do?!'

He replies,

'Son, if she aint good enough for her family she aint good enough for ours..'

haha

[Sprinterboy]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...



'You root her again.'

[Sprinterboy]

A duck is standing at the side of the road waiting to cross.
A chicken walks by and says "I wouldn't bother, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

[Sprinterboy]

Da Vince Code - Cracked at Last



DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:





It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!




The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.




The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'




Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.



The audience applauded enthusiastically.



Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'

[AE86R]

haha the 18yr old one is a classic.. Dont get the duck one but

[Vance]

how can you not get the duck one?

why did the chicken cross the road?

now read it again

[Revan]

Paddy is at home with two broken legs from a bar fight.

His mate doogel comes to visit, and meets Paddy in the living room. Paddy is in front of the TV with both his feet up in casts, his toes wriggling out the ends.

Doogel says to paddy "jeeesus mate i hate to see you like this, is there anything i can do?" Paddy replies "yes mate, my feet are fookin freezin. could you fetch me slippers from upstairs?"

"not a problem paddy" says Doogel, as he marches up the stairs to get the slippers.
upon ariving on the 2nd floor, Doogel finds Paddy's two teenage daughters lazing around.

Doogel thinks, and whispers to the girls: "girls, your daddy sent me up here to have sex with you."

the girls are stunned, and in disbelief.

"daddy would never tell someone to do that!"

Doogel says to them "OH REALLY?" and turns to face down the stairs, and yells:

"PADDY....... BOTH OF THEM?????"

Paddy responds: "WHAT'D BE THE POINT OF FOOKIN ONE OF THEM!?!?"