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Thread: would you like to hear a joke?

  1. #71
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    I see a lesbian furniture maker has opened down the road, I hear they use the tongue in groove method!!!

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    A little girl is playing outside a firehouse with her cart, she has a cat and a dog with her and she is using the dog to drag the cart up the road, she has a piece of fishing line tied around the cats nuts.

    A fireman comes out and says 'great little cart but you know if you had the cat pulling the cart with the dog you could go twice as fast'

    to which the little girl replies 'yeah but I wouldn't have a siren!'

  3. #73
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    Lone ranger and tonto are riding thru the forest when the lone ranger falls off his horse and a snake bites him right on the end of his wang.

    He tells tonto to rush into town and get the doctor

    but when tonto gets to town the doctor is busy delivering a baby,

    tonto say's 'doctor kemosabi bitten by snake'

    doctor tells tonto to rush back and suck the poison out

    Tonto rides back and hops off his horse

    the lone ranger says 'what did the doctor say'

    tonto starts to cry and says 'he say you gonna die!'

  4. #74
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    Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
    The last one is great!
    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
    Immediately take the words back...
    Or that you could crawl into a hole?
    Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


    FIRST TESTIMONY:
    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
    And asked loudly,
    'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
    I turned around and walked back out and never went back
    My husband didn't say a word...
    He knew better.


    SECOND TESTIMONY:
    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
    I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
    After browsing for several minutes,
    I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
    He asked if he could help me.
    Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

    THIRD TESTIMONY:
    My sister and I were at the mall and
    Passed by a store that sold a
    Variety of candy and nuts.
    As we were looking at the display case,
    The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help..
    I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
    My sister started to laugh hysterically.
    The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
    To this day,
    My sister has never let me forget.


    FOURTH TESTIMONY :
    While in line at the bank one afternoon,
    My toddler decided to release
    Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
    I was finally able to grab hold of
    Her after receiving looks of disgust
    And annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she did not start behaving
    'right now' she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
    'If you don't let me go right now,
    I will tell Grandma that I saw you
    Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
    Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
    I mustered up the last of my dignity and
    Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow
    The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

    FIFTH TESTIMONY:
    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
    It was very busy, with a full dining room.
    While enjoying my taco,
    I smelled something funny,
    So of course I checked
    My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
    The realized that Danny
    Had not asked to go potty in a while.
    I asked him if he needed to go,
    And he said 'No' .
    I kept thinking
    'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
    Then I said,
    'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
    'No,' he replied.
    I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
    Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
    Bent over, spread his cheeks
    And yelled
    'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
    He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
    An old couple made me feel better,
    Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


    LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
    This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
    And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
    In the future, likely think before she speaks.
    What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
    We had a female news anchor that,
    The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
    Turned to the weatherman and asked:
    'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
    Not only did HE have to leave the set,
    But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
    Last edited by Trev084; 6th January 2009 at 10:59 PM.

  5. #75
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    Lone ranger and tonto ride into town, they go to the local bar

    but cos of the long ride the the horses are hot, the lone ranger tells tonto to run around the horses with a fan cooling the horses down.

    the lone ranger goes in for a drink, about a half hour later a guy comes in and says 'hey who owns that big silver horse out front'

    to which the lone ranger replies 'i do!'

    the guys says 'well you've left ya injun running!'

  6. #76
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    Self examination for men


    1. if you are over 40, and have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

    2. If you have a cat, you are a flaming homo, a cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses it's nails and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog....'killer, come here! I said get your ass over here killer!' now think about how you call a cat....'bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' jeeeezus, you're so gay!

    3. If you suck lollipops, ring-pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a fag.

    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

    5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A staright man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'. If you've ever put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too!!

    6.If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, your dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-ass drivers or to cut the jerk off. the rest of the time he needs that other hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

    7. If you have a girls name or a name that could be mistaken for a girls name like kelly, pat, chris or terry, then you'd probably like to play the pink piccolo.

    8. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. They don't have enough memory for all that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports teams and the names of porn stars. If you can pickout chartreuse or know what a 'fressier' is....you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton and denim, your fond of a bit of bum fun.

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    Three Chinese brothers name Chu, Bu, Fu.

    They all want to live in the USA for the rest of their life, the U.S government will allow them if they change their names to an English names.

    Chu add a -ck at the end of his name, his new name is now Chuck. And goes to U.S
    Bu also add -ck, now his name is Buck. And goes to U.S
    Fu....... well, he tried to add -ck... but he has to go back to China.

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    A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

    The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

    "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

    "Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.

    The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

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    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

    "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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    My mates girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. He said sometimes when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

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