would you like to hear a joke?

[Marco]

Why did the pope want national youth day to be held at randwick racecourse?

It's the only place in the worl you can legally ride a 3 year old.

[Zach]

Why did the pope want national youth day to be held at randwick racecourse?

It's the only place in the worl you can legally ride a 3 year old.

HAHAHAHA! any more?

[Marco]

umm yeah i think i'v got a few.

whats the worst part about eating a smooth pussy?

Pulling the diaper up afterwards.

[ke_70]

a man walks into a library and asks for any good on suicide. and the librarian replys,
piss off you wont bring it back

[Marco]

83 fish in a tank, 27 drowned how many are left? ..............................

Stop counting dickhead, Fish can't drown!

[*E7*]

two fish were in a tank.

one says to the other:

you drive, i'll shoot

[*E7*]

two fish swim into a wall

one says to the other:

dam

[Cerby86]

83 fish in a tank, 27 drowned how many are left? ..............................

Stop counting dickhead, Fish can't drown!

ah yes they can.

[Richard]

ther always one thats gotta spoil it

[Marco]

ah yes they can.

I knew it was coming...
it was good while it lasted:(

preety funny but i got it in a text message followed by: send this to as slow friend as i have done.

[all torque]

Yeah you can drown labyrinth fish.

Once again, a joke has been foiled by science!

[Cerby86]

you can drown pretty much any fish! In un oxygenated water they can't filter out any oxygen (obviously) and they drown. algae blooms do it. and apparently things like paper mills do as well if the water they use doesn't get cooled before it goes back in the water!
Also sharks drown if there isn't a flow of water through their gills, so they can't stop cruising for more than a minute or so.!!

[RRX-007]

whats better than licking a manadarin?

licking amanda out. :P

[Richard]

whats better than licking a manadarin?

licking amanda out. :P

thats a cracker!

[RRX-007]

there was a blonde lady who was in desperate need of some money. so she thought she would hire her self out as a handy-man sorta person.

she walked up to the first house and asked if they have any jobs for her to do. the guy said yeh u can paint my porch. how much do you chrage. she said 50 bucks. the guy said the paint and ladder and anything you will need will be in the shed out the back.

the guy walks inside to his wife and says does she know the porch goes the whole way around the house. the guy replies yeh she was standing on it.

a short time after the blonde come to the door to collect her money. she said, i had left over paint so i gave it two coats, the guy impressed reached into his pocket and gave her 50 bucks. the blonde added thats not a porch its a ferarri.

[driftke70]

what do you call a jewish delema

free ham


what do you get if you cross a Mexican with an octopus

i dont know but i bet that fucker could pick some serious lettuce.

[Marco]

so it's a celebrity party... (just setting the scene)

Anyway jeremy clarkson walks up to amy winehouse and introduces him self and she goes oh hi i'm Amy Winehouse i'm a singer... What do you do?
Jeremy goes, I make top gear. To which Amy replies oh really... then she whispers in his ear. Ill have three key's thanks.

[Marco]

Whats "et" short for?


Cus he has short legs!

[Cerby86]

you making these up yourself?? God i hope not

[Marco]

nah both of them came from a mate. i lol'd

[Zach]

two fish swim into a wall

one says to the other:

dam

That's one of my fav's

[gooza]

what do you call a lady with one leg? ilean.

lady with one tooth? wuneater

guy who sits at your doorstep? matt

bloke with a shovel in his head? doug

bloke without a shovel in his head? dougless

bloke who rolls around in leaves all day? russell

[Zach]

Two peanuts walk into a bar and....


One gets ASALTED!

[NathanKe70]

3 tampon's are walking down the street, what do they say to each other?

nothing because they are stuck up cunts.

[darksnake]

dont know if this ones been said but

2 condoms walk past a nightclub, one says to the other "wanna get shitfaced?"

[Rice86]

^^

yeah its been mentioned and its like this

2 condoms walk past a gayclub, one says to the other "wanna get shitfaced?"

will always be funny though lol

[gooza]

here's one for ya...

a man walks into a pub after a long day's work, and asks the bartender for a beer

the bartender says "sure, but why the hell have you got a steering wheel down your pants?"

the man replies, "i dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"

[Zach]

Why did the mexican throw his wife out the window?

he want to TEQUILA

[hachi_dk]

^^ lol........ its funnier if u say it faster and with a mild mexican accent

[RRX-007]

mexicn jokes. lol.

whats the mexicans fire fighters name?



hose a.

whats the back up fire fighters name?

hose b.

[Zach]

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down the street?

Jail Break

[Zach]

So three guys get sent to jail on a 20 year sentance no parole and they each get one wish, so the first guy asked for 20 years worth of encyclopedias to read, and the second guy asks for 20 years worth of whiskey, and the third guy asks for 20 years worth of ciggarettes. So 20 years is up and they get released and the first guy is all smart and knowledgable, and the second guy is really really drunk from 20 years work of whiskey, and the third guy says "Can I borrow a lighter off someone?"

[Richard]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"







He said, "Who f****d up your hair?"

[Richard]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.











The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks..








'Yep,' the Lab replies.








After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'






The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'








'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'





'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'








The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.








'Ten dollars,' the guy says.








'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'








'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.

[driftke70]

why are there no mexicans in star trek,

cause they dont work in the future either.


That being said been to mexico and hung out with mexicans in texas through some trails and sutff, they are some of the nicest hardest working people ive ever met.



what do you call two pueter ricans playing basketball,

juan on juan.

[.ady]

Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't ****ing laugh at me!
Boy: This shit is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a ****ing break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are ****ing sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: **** you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A ****ING COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go **** yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a ****ing asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my
picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you
wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up
against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every
stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my
nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A ****ING PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a ****ing candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: **** YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

[Richard]

OMG thats funny as fuck...is it real? especially love this part

Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.

[.ady]

lols im not sure but funny as well you didnt like the

Boy:"I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole." ???

[Richard]

yeh i thought the whole thing was good

[rthy]

A female interviewer on the radio interviewed an Army General recently about a boys scout training program for the young boys.
It goes like this.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, the General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

THE GENERAL:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

THE GENERAL:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

THE GENERAL:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

THE GENERAL:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent.

[Richard]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer and the other is a gorgeous young blonde.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re
history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet..
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display
like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can
you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies,
“No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

[Richard]

THE DEAF WIFE
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family
doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

[Marco]

"Bought myself a new deodorant stick today, Instructions said take off top, twist and push up bottom. Im still in casualty but my farts smell first class."

[Richard]

You may be Taliban if:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

[svenmate]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What have you done wrong when your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
Made the chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man runs over his wife. Who's fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Why did the woman cross the road?
It doesn't matter, why was the out of the kitchen in the first place?

[Blizzerd]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're f$cking donuts."

[Rice86]

HAHAHAHAH can always depend on this thread for a good laugh

[Mr Awsome]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're f$cking donuts."

thats fucking epic haha

[Richard]

Golf







Bob works hard at the office but spendstwo nights each week bowling, andplays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob ifhe'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did sheknow that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

[Richard]

*_Let me see if I understand all this..._*

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.




IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED
INDEFINITELY.








IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.








IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE

JAILED.





IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD
FROM AGAIN.





IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A
SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.







IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
A POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.





IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB,



A DRIVERS LICENCE,


PENSION CARD,


WELFARE,


CREDIT CARDS,


SUBSIDIZED RENT

OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,



FREE EDUCATION


AND


FREE HEALTH CARE.

[biggo]

Does it get any worse than that?

[Richard]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the H*** is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

[Richard]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.


When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:


The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.


The blonde Swiss girl thinks:



That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.


The English guy thinks:


That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


And the Scottish guy thinks:


I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again.....

[Richard]

Men are better off!


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Zach]

I loved the last one. keep them coimng

[djscheppy]

"A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."

Haha thats great.

And 'fishcakes', god that was classic.


EDIT[content]:

'You should read about how bad the economic crisis has gotten in Japan.

Did you hear about the Origami Bank?

It folded.'

[Richard]

It has been determined, the most used









sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position...........


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Richard]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[08ftwyo]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

The fools on you, it was after midday.

[Richard]

i dont understand how April fools stops at midday...does that mean its April 2nd at 12:01pm then? woot my birthday!

[08ftwyo]

duuurrr, thats the way it always goes! hahaha

[Richard]

I said to my wife yesterday.

"We should have a code for when i want sex."

"I'll grab your left breast with my right hand for when I want sex"

"you respond with pulling my penis once for yes and 398 times for NO!"

[Richard]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.


“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[benno93]

^^^^
HAHAH gold!

[Zach]

a man in scotland calls his son in london the day before christmas eve and says, “i hate to ruin your day but i have to tell you that your mother and i are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.


“we can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “we're sick of each other and i'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in leeds and tell her.”

franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “i'll take care of this!”

she calls scotland immediately, and screams at her father “you are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until i get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'sorted! They're coming for christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

fucking gold!

[Marco]

WINNAR! haha. i lol'd

[bg89]

Tiger woods quit golf to quit his women but a least he tooks his gillette and Nike endorsement seriously. he did just do it and did get the "best a man could get"

[Richard]

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.
Nobody tells you $#*@ all in here

[Rice86]

Hahah

[Rice86]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
Easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

[Richard]

That is so true! ^^

[Richard]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack'sminivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge houseall to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And ifthe weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settledin for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from anattorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determinedthat it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on theski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiholiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the houseand pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have toadmit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid Idid.Why do you ask?"





"She just died and left me everything."

[Richard]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.



While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up"



God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!



Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.





After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.





Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 43 years?



Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied,



"I didn't bloody recognize you!"

[Richard]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!


Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday,. At the end of the work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"


The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"


The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Oi, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

[Richard]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goalkeeper"

[Richard]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?













Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[Rice86]

Women are Evil by Nature!!


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

[Richard]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night,

the young bride approached her new husband

and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love,

for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank

which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were
one of the l largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes,

men just don't know when

to keep their mouths shut.

[Richard]

How Fights Start



My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...




******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....




******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...




******************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....




*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...




******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...




******************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...




******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...




******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....





******************************************

[todd]

those ones are good. i enjoyed them haha

[maxhag]

There is a single, middle aged man (New Zealander) and he goes to the pub one Friday night. After not too long, he gets chatting to this woman.

After a few hours, they have had a few drinks an have been getting along really well. As the night starts winding up, the man asks the woman if he could take her home.

She replies "Sorry I cant, I would love to, but Iam on my Menstrual cycle",
The man then replies "That shouldn't matter, I can follow you in my Honda"

[Richard]

There is a single, middle aged man (New Zealander) and he goes to the pub one Friday night. After not too long, he gets chatting to this woman.

After a few hours, they have had a few drinks an have been getting along really well. As the night starts winding up, the man asks the woman if he could take her home.

She replies "Sorry I cant, I would love to, but Iam on my Menstrual cycle",
The man then replies "That shouldn't matter, I can follow you in my Honda"

Why gettin on us New Zealanders?

[maxhag]

Is that the start of a joke, or..........

[koolstik]

Why gettin on us New Zealanders?

And then the fight started...

[Richard]

And then the fight started...

LOL...snap.

Na Maxhag im just pullin ya strings i could give a fuck what you say about us

[maxhag]

Aussies and New Zealanders, It a love/hate relationship....

I'll never forget the episode of Bro town when they take the piss out of us Aussies...... Classic episode.....

[Richard]

yeh i love Bro town..reminds me of home.

Like flight of the concords when the India bloke gets them mixed up with Aussies....thats classic too.

[Drift_Donkey]

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stoped at 3 hoes.

[lolwat]

why do they send woman to space

they weight 100 pounds lighter then a dish washer

[biggo]

Your walking down the road and your toe falls off. what do you do?









Call a "toe" truck!

[biggo]

What do eskimos get if they sit on ice for too long?










Snowballs!!

[Javal]

So earlier today I had to go buy a gift for a friend of mine's birthday. I decide to pick up a cheap copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas since he mentioned he's never played it. The saleschick at EB Games wasn't familiar with it, so she says "Describe it for me", so I say it's about a black guy with a metal bar, crashing cars, avoiding the cops, and fucking whores. Then the bitch goes into the back and gets me a copy of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010.

[Marco]

^ good one but if you read the previous page it has been said!

[Richard]

Politically Correct

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check
and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on.
The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only
and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations
to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided,
therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available.
Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year
that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around
she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry,
also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road,
Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.
To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.
A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations
and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy,
it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory
and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay -
will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

[Richard]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Richard]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[driftke70]

hahaha

[Richard]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long
and include at least one capital!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha blondes, don’t you just love them!!!!!!!!!!!

[Richard]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?









2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.






?






3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too' Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?








4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!








5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.









6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?






7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.





8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

















9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?

[Richard]

Why .....do Tesco's make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...



Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?





If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why? Good question.

[Richard]

Sometimes....

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy...

no one sees your smile ..



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

[Richard]

You could of Heard a pin drop!

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.


Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"


DeGaulle did not respond.




You could have
heard a pin drop















There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:


'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'





You could have
heard a pin drop.







A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,


'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'





You could have
heard a pin drop.







AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...



Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.


"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.


Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.


"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said,


'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"


The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,


''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."




You could have
heard a pin drop.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Richard]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f....g blanket.'


After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[hachi_dk]

^^ legendary lulz...........................

[Frak]

I failed my biology test the other day, the main question asked what lives in a cell, I answered, an aboriginal, works out it was the wrong answer!

[Richard]

An Englishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and
says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Richard]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first..'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!'



If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

[Richard]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me ?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Richard]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Richard]

Ask Doctor Wang Cho

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).. And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Richard]

Also either Nick or Jay can you sticky this thread im tired of looking for it when i get new jokes

[Moebius]

When are you going to post some of your new ones? All you seem to be posting so far are old ones :P

[Breaka]

Heard this one yesterday.

Why don't women get up of a morning and have a huge piss like blokes do?
Have you ever tried to pull a cold toasted cheese sandwhiche apart?

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

Why don't women wear watches??


Cause there's a clock on the oven!...zing!

[Richard]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Richard]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me
and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............
On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to
the bed, so I did.

And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

[Richard]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....
that's just great.... Some arsehole's got my pen!'

[lolwat]

i was going thru a couple of magazines the other day at the aboriginal shelter, i was really enjoying myself until the rifle jammed..

[Richard]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."









"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Richard]

You Gotta Love the Irish








Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Ababab





Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Ababab







Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Ababab



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



Ababab



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Ababab



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Ababab


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but what really gave it away was ..... all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Richard]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.



A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.



He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:



"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."



The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....



"Didn't feel a thing."

[Richard]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up,

I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry

About.."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents Like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[Richard]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Richard]

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out..
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

[Richard]

On one of his recent trips to the USA, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. Due to his experiences in handling the Indigenous situation in Australia .
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every 1st Nation's present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

[Richard]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
surely I can't look that old.

Well . . .



I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park high
school ..



'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride..



When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.



Then, that ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled faced,

Fat-assed,

Gray-haired,

Decrepit

Son-of-a-bitch

Asked,



'What did you teach???

[Richard]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:



'Jen, is the cat there?'

'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'

Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put the smart ass on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

[Zach]

Wanna hear a good joke?

WOMENS RIGHTS!

[Todd]

Wanna hear a good joke?

WOMENS RIGHTS!

yer totally not feelin it hey.

[Richard]

Father O'Malley, an Irish priest, was transferred to the Balfron Catholic Church.

One morning of a fine spring day, he arose from his bed in his new Balfron parish church, and he walked to the window of his bedroom so as to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.



When he looked out from the window, he noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of the church's lawn.




Not knowing who else to call, Father O'Malley promptly called the local police.




The conversation went like this:


''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones of the Balfron police. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at the Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in de middle of me Church's lawn."




Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk: "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"




There was dead silence on the line for a long moment, and then Father O'Malley replied:




"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true: but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Richard]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

[Richard]

A few Senior Moments
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

[Richard]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Richard]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Richard]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Richard]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Richard]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[Richard]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[Richard]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[Richard]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'

[Richard]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical..
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Richard]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Blizzerd]

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

What happened to you"? Ask her two friends.

"Mike hit me". Came the reply.

" Why?" ask the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's.

[Blizzerd]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[4agejet]

Q: Why do dwards(midgets) laugh when they play soccer?

A : Cause the grass tickles their balls as they run.

[Frak]

"I'd just parked my truck when I noticed the leaves all over the lawn. So I went to the shed to get the leaf-blower to start tidying the garden. It was then when I noticed next-door's donkey had escaped. In shock, I lifted the leaf-blower and blasted all the bricks off the back of the truck onto the poor animal, killing it instantly."

"So, you see darling, when you overheard me on the phone, telling Tom how I blew my load all over the neighbour's ass, that's what I meant."

[Richard]

lmfao

[Richard]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my granddad!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'




The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,






'Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'

[Richard]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.







She says, "What's the story?"







He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"







She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"















There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"







The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."















A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.







"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."







The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;







Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.







The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?







"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."







"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."






























A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"







She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"






















A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"







"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Richard]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Frak]

OMG Richard, you must know my dad well, he used to tell that Tiffany's joke like every 6 months!!

[Richard]

best buds!

[Richard]

Paddy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you ?"

In a weak voice Paddyy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big man says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 35 stone, I have a 20 inch willy, my balls weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

"Turner Brown?...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, Turn around

[Frak]

A young lad turns up to school with his pet cat under his arm. Soon enough, the teacher asks him why. Close to tears, the boy replies "I was getting dressed this morning when I heard the milkman say to mum, 'Can't wait to eat that pussy as soon as the kids fuck off to school'."

[biggo]

Never Question a Drunk...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



A 2Lt bottle of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A 2Lt bottle of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A Can of coffee
A Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[Richard]

(ozsmoothy@hotmail.com)*A THAILAND LOVE STORY*





A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles... something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?”

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine..."

[Richard]

The Honeymoon
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Zach]

I just heard we have a new P.M with red hair, no fashion sense and some big shoes to fill.
FUCK ME they gave the job to Ronald McDnonald.

[Richard]

The kind Scotsman















One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[Richard]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.



“Fook off” says Mick,






“have you seen how many of their owners go blind.”

[Richard]

Did ya hear about the bi-sexual donkey?

he had a he in the morning and a hore in the afternoon

[Richard]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got ~9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's ~1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if
you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five
incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she
plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the
doctor.
"We're having granite benchtops."

[Richard]

amazing simple home remedies

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

daily thought:

some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.