would you like to hear a joke?

[breno]

Ahh, im going to try and remember this joke someone told me the other day.

So its like a primary school class, and the teacher asks the kids to say some 3syllable words, sally puts up her hand and she says beautiful. The teacher asks sally if she can you it in a sentence. You are a beautiful teacher says sally. Next warren puts up his hand, the teacher asks warren for his word.
Urinate. Can you use it in a sentence?
urinate miss but if you had bigger tits you would be a 10

lolz/[\

[shichi~]

??? wah

[eddie6943]

"Urinate miss, but your would be better if you were a 10...."

Your an 8 miss, but your would be better if you were a 10...

Get it....;)

[blinded]

I see what you did there.

[driftke70]

you

.

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

8 is pretty good..

[ae86]

lawl.

[Sturgey]

haha.

[DearmanKE]

i spilt spot remover on my dog... n now hes gone

[breno]

so apparently i was wrong haha.

its

"urinate miss but if you had bigger tits you would be a 10"

[Fozz]

lolol

[Axentrik]

ahha revised punchlines epic.

[AE86R]

edit your first post so it works lolol

[Axentrik]

yer possibly improve your usage of words and grammar too

[breno]

meh, i dont care.

i was drunk.

[Jdm-Mcc]

Thats a fag's excuse

[johl]

i love corny jokes.

confuscious say man who walk fru airport door sideway, going to bangkok.

[Jdm-Mcc]

Confuscious say man who scratch bum should not bite fingernail

[AE86R]

haahaha bangkok love it

[Sprinter86]

What is red, sits in a corner and gets smaller???





A baby with a peeler! :D

[AE86R]

dont get it lol

[Wally]

ouch.

[eddie6943]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?






I smell carrots!!!

[johl]

*slap*

[AE86R]

lol carrots eh

[Wally]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifHorologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifMeteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifTheologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[Wally]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[AE86R]

lol at the 2nd one, got no idea whats happening in the 1st one

[johl]

lol yeh second one was good

[AE86R]

it just looked so long i kinda turned myself off it lol

[Wally]

In short, they were camping, 1 woke up, woke other asking what can he see. They could see the sky. Someone stole their tent.

[AE86R]

ohh :right:

[Wally]

ohh :right:

:sleepy:

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

oi if you went camping and woke up with a franger in ur ass would you tell anyone??

[Wally]

oi if you went camping and woke up with a franger in ur ass would you tell anyone??

so you'd sleep through someone smashing you in the ass?

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

you got drunk etc etc...

[Wally]

you got drunk etc etc...

i don't get what your trying to get at from all this hahaha.

[Wally]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"


The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"


The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - don't worry, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

i don't get what your trying to get at from all this hahaha.

haha...


So its meant to go

'If you went camping and woke up with a franger in your ass would you tell anyone one??'

Most will answer No!

Then thats when you say 'We should go camping one day'....

....

[biggo]

Why does beyonce sing to the left, to the left?

Cos black people dont have rights!

geddit?

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

Wats long, black and smelly????











The line outside centrelink!

[driftke70]

whats long brown and sticky

a stick



why did noddy pay the elephant ransom

because he had big ears

[Clinton]

"If you have a Joke or Something Humur related, post it here. Please note : No pornography or racism to be posted here..."


come on guiz

[Sprinterboy]

Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the
bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'

Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'

Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of
Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in
shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It s a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.



The Aussie whispers. 'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

[Sprinterboy]

Big game hunter



The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep..

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black-eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

[Sprinterboy]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,

Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?

They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

[Sprinterboy]

And my Fave from Larry the Cable Guy

To renecks are out hunting and they get up on top of a hill and take sight, the first guy says to the second guy,

Billy - Hey, I can see ya house from hur, and it I can see you missus cheating on ya with another fella

Bob - dang it, i've had enough of that bitch, shooter her in the head and him in the privates.

Billy - To easy, i'll get that in one shot

[Sprinterboy]

Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son

[breno]

whats brown and rhymes with snoop dog?
























dr. dre

[AE86R]

haha ^^^ there all a laugh

[Jdm-Mcc]

SprinterBoy Delivers! Bahahahahaa:thumbup:

[Wally]

Q: What’s brown and often found in a baby’s diaper?










A: Michael Jackson’s hand.

[hachi86]

rofl lmao

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

Two rednecks just got married and are spending their first night alone.

The wife tells her husband that she has never done it before. He is shocked and runs out the front door and yells across the street to his father sittin on his front porch 'Dad, she has never done it before, what should i do?!'

He replies,

'Son, if she aint good enough for her family she aint good enough for ours..'

haha

[Sprinterboy]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...



'You root her again.'

[Sprinterboy]

A duck is standing at the side of the road waiting to cross.
A chicken walks by and says "I wouldn't bother, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

[Sprinterboy]

Da Vince Code - Cracked at Last



DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

http://www.postimage.org/Pq2lA5x9.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2lA5x9)



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!




The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.




The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'




Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.



The audience applauded enthusiastically.

http://www.postimage.org/Pq2lA5x9.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2lA5x9)

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'

[AE86R]

haha the 18yr old one is a classic.. Dont get the duck one but

[Vance]

how can you not get the duck one?

why did the chicken cross the road?

now read it again

[Revan]

Paddy is at home with two broken legs from a bar fight.

His mate doogel comes to visit, and meets Paddy in the living room. Paddy is in front of the TV with both his feet up in casts, his toes wriggling out the ends.

Doogel says to paddy "jeeesus mate i hate to see you like this, is there anything i can do?" Paddy replies "yes mate, my feet are fookin freezin. could you fetch me slippers from upstairs?"

"not a problem paddy" says Doogel, as he marches up the stairs to get the slippers.
upon ariving on the 2nd floor, Doogel finds Paddy's two teenage daughters lazing around.

Doogel thinks, and whispers to the girls: "girls, your daddy sent me up here to have sex with you."

the girls are stunned, and in disbelief.

"daddy would never tell someone to do that!"

Doogel says to them "OH REALLY?" and turns to face down the stairs, and yells:

"PADDY....... BOTH OF THEM?????"

Paddy responds: "WHAT'D BE THE POINT OF FOOKIN ONE OF THEM!?!?"

[Vance]

old but still good

[shinobi]

whats blue and molests children???


me in my blue suit!!

[Jdm-Mcc]

Who wears a birthday suit and fucks your sister?


Me in my birthday suit!


Couldnt help myself.

[shinobi]

dude shes only three!!

what did one Pedo say two the other??







ill swap you two fives for a ten!!

[Jdm-Mcc]

Fuck its hot today im sweating like a Pedo at a Wiggles concert.

[drift kid]

lol all funny, keep em comin

[8ball]

Q:What is the difference between pink and purple ?

A:The grip.

[Trev084]

If someone dont get that i will shoot them.

[Wally]

hahah classics.

liked shinobi's lolz!

[Frak]

A little boy is passing his mother's bedroom and spots her in the shower
'mummy what's that?' says the little boy pointing at her minge
'that's where daddy hit me with an axe' says his mother
to which he replies 'f*cking good shot got you right on the c*nt!'


little boy just back from his grandparents place is passing his mother's bedroom and spot's her in the shower
'mummy what's that?' pointing at her spadge
'Oh that's mummy's beaver'
to which the little boy replies 'oh grannies got one of those but it must be dead....it's tongues hanging out'!!

[Frak]

I see a lesbian furniture maker has opened down the road, I hear they use the tongue in groove method!!!

[Frak]

A little girl is playing outside a firehouse with her cart, she has a cat and a dog with her and she is using the dog to drag the cart up the road, she has a piece of fishing line tied around the cats nuts.

A fireman comes out and says 'great little cart but you know if you had the cat pulling the cart with the dog you could go twice as fast'

to which the little girl replies 'yeah but I wouldn't have a siren!'

[Frak]

Lone ranger and tonto are riding thru the forest when the lone ranger falls off his horse and a snake bites him right on the end of his wang.

He tells tonto to rush into town and get the doctor

but when tonto gets to town the doctor is busy delivering a baby,

tonto say's 'doctor kemosabi bitten by snake'

doctor tells tonto to rush back and suck the poison out

Tonto rides back and hops off his horse

the lone ranger says 'what did the doctor say'

tonto starts to cry and says 'he say you gonna die!'

[Trev084]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help..
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Frak]

Lone ranger and tonto ride into town, they go to the local bar

but cos of the long ride the the horses are hot, the lone ranger tells tonto to run around the horses with a fan cooling the horses down.

the lone ranger goes in for a drink, about a half hour later a guy comes in and says 'hey who owns that big silver horse out front'

to which the lone ranger replies 'i do!'

the guys says 'well you've left ya injun running!'

[Frak]

Self examination for men


1. if you are over 40, and have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaming homo, a cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses it's nails and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog....'killer, come here! I said get your ass over here killer!' now think about how you call a cat....'bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' jeeeezus, you're so gay!

3. If you suck lollipops, ring-pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A staright man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'. If you've ever put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too!!

6.If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, your dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-ass drivers or to cut the jerk off. the rest of the time he needs that other hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

7. If you have a girls name or a name that could be mistaken for a girls name like kelly, pat, chris or terry, then you'd probably like to play the pink piccolo.

8. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. They don't have enough memory for all that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports teams and the names of porn stars. If you can pickout chartreuse or know what a 'fressier' is....you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton and denim, your fond of a bit of bum fun.

[Shahzan]

Three Chinese brothers name Chu, Bu, Fu.

They all want to live in the USA for the rest of their life, the U.S government will allow them if they change their names to an English names.

Chu add a -ck at the end of his name, his new name is now Chuck. And goes to U.S
Bu also add -ck, now his name is Buck. And goes to U.S
Fu....... well, he tried to add -ck... but he has to go back to China.

[Shahzan]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

[Shahzan]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[biggo]

My mates girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. He said sometimes when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

[addikt]

an elizabeth brother and sister just finished having sex,and the sister starts laughing .the brother says to the sister why are you laughing?she replies you fuk like dad :P

no offence to elizabeth i live there also thats why i used it haha

[Rhys.]

an elizabeth brother and sister just finished having sex,and the sister starts laughing .the brother says to the sister why are you laughing?she replies you fuk like dad :P

no offence to elizabeth i live there also thats why i used it haha

then the brother laughs and replies, mum said the exact same thing..




haha heard that one the other day

[Trev084]

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?

The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!!

[orange32]

How do you know when a pornstar is finished filling his car up with fuel?

He takes the nozzle out and sprays petrol all over the car

[Trev084]

How do you know when a pornstar is finished filling his car up with fuel?

He takes the nozzle out and sprays petrol all over the car

Same sorta thing with:

What does it mean when a prosistutes nose starts running, Shes full.

[Frak]

A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two lady teachers, went to the horse races for the day, to see and learn about racing horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that one of the female teachers would take the girls and the other female teacher would take the boys over to the toilets.

The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the male toilets when one of the boys came out and said that they were haveing trouble reaching the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and helped the boys by lifting them up to the urinal to urinate.

As she lifted one boy up she noticed that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not show that she was staring , the teacher said 'you must be in year 7'

"no, madam" he replied "i'm riding silver arrow in the 2.15"

[Axentrik]

^ dont get it

[Frak]

you don't get it!!!!

They're at the 'horse races'.......she picked up a jockey!!!!!!!!!

Jockeys = small people = mistook for student!

[shift_rook]

haha i get it, i want more laffs

[JUG-HEAD]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says
hello. He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
;
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time
he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says, 'Are you the stripper from the
bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Micknofx]

I got this in an e-mail today so I'll throw it up....

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied .

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Axentrik]

yer but dont you have to be 18 to go to horse races

[Frak]

it's a joke not real.....do you seriously think 'little johnny' gets up to all those antics!!!!

and it was a school excursion, proabably some deal the kids were allowed in as long as they didn't bet!

[Trev084]

MOUSE CALIBRATION

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.
I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below, then drag the Y toward the g.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.


You dumb ass. You'll believe anything

I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS�AFTER BEING CALIBRATED! AMAZING..

[Frak]

The other night I was at a club, saw a really hot woman, so I go over and start talking to her,
"what's your name" I said
she replied "Carmen, it's made up of the two things I like the best, cars and men"
she then asked me what my name was?
to which I replied "beerc*nt"!!!

[daltrim]

what did one condom say to the other as they walked past the gay bar???








want to go in and get shitfaced???

[Frak]

I slept with my girlfriends younger sister. She found out
and said "you disgust me"
I said "we never discussed you at all!"

[Frak]

Went around to my girlfriends last night
"make yourself at home" she said
apparently stripping naked and furiously w*nking over the bra's and things catalog
wasn't what she had in mind!

[Frak]

I've been so depressed lately that my wife threatened to leave me.
even that didn't cheer me up!

[Frak]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America, uncertainty has now hit Japan, in the last seven days
the origami bank has folded
the sumo bank has gone belly up
the bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches
the karaoke bar is up for sale and will probably go for a song
while today shares in the kamikaze bank nose dived
the samurai bank meanwhile is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks
the ninja bank has taken a hit, but remains in the black
furthermore 500 people at the karate bank got the chop and
analysts report there is something fishy going on over at the sushi bank, where it is feared the staff may get a raw deal.

[shichi~]

what do u get when u cross a cat and a flower


Mango

[Clinton]

huh...

[Trev084]

When i was in year 8-9 one of my mates used to run around saying this:

Whats the difference between a orange?

A tractor because motorbikes dont have doors.

[shichi~]

Lmfao!

[shift_rook]

um... i don't get it. please explain

[Trev084]

There is nothing to get, It was something to make someone sit their scratching their head, whats the difference between an orange?

There isnt 2 objects to compare so there is no difference.

[shift_rook]

of course. well it cetainly made me scratch my head. haha

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

A man is at the supermarket and asks for a senior discount.

The lady wants to see his Seniors card but he left it at home, she ask him to unbutton his top few buttons on his shirt..

It reveals a chest of silvery hair and she tells him only a senior can have hair like that and proceeds to give the discount.

He gets home and tells his wife the story and she replies,
'You should of dropped your pants, you would of got a disability discount too!'

[Kamikaze]

i love corny jokes.

confuscious say man who walk fru airport door sideway, going to bangkok.


I'm still lost with this one... can anyone come back & explain, pls...

[blinded]

^^
Serious? Oh lawd.

Those random nonsense ones before, reminded me of something in Mad magazines or something, called No joke jokes. Just random shit put together in a statement.

ie. I come from a town so small, the hooker wore a helmet!

[focus_7]

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap". The second one says, "No soap, radio!"


hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha

(Google "no soap radio")

[Trev084]

I'm still lost with this one... can anyone come back & explain, pls...

Walks through the door sideways and bangs his cock on the doorway...

Heard this joke today:

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Pick it up (the dog) and suck it off.

[Frak]

confucious says man with penis in peanut butter is f*cking nuts

[Frak]

confucious says man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day!

[Frak]

confucious says man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

[Frak]

confucious says man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time

[Frak]

confucious says man who run in front of car get tired

[Frak]

confucious says man who run behind car get exhausted

[Frak]

confucious says crowded elevator smell different to midget!

[Frak]

confucious says man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs

[drift kid]

haha^^^ all great

[Axentrik]

I've been so depressed lately that my wife threatened to leave me.
even that didn't cheer me up!

^^ sounds like some rodney dangerfield

[koulouris#03]

whats the difference between sand and a girls period????


you cant garggle the sand!!!

[Axentrik]

thats just wrong..

[drift kid]

so so wrong

[Frak]

it sure is wrong....what sick prick gargles sand?????????

[Philbo]

^^^ Ahahaha
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?




A. Slow down, and use some lube

[Frak]

two guys are talking at work, one guys says to the other 'you know I've been married for ten years, same hole day in day out....same hole....it's getting boring'

so the second guy says 'why don't you flip her over and try a bit of the forbbiden!'

the first guy says ' what and risk getting her pregnant'

[Frak]

One guy says to the other "have you ever seen the use by date on a condom?"

second guy says 'no!'

First guys says ' I guess you don't roll it back far enough!'

[koulouris#03]

heres a racist one for everyone.
a bloke walks into kmart. finds an african lady doing her shopping. when suddenly he walks up to her and punches her in the head. she gets totally knocked out.
later on the guy is in police custody and is asked, why he did it??? to which he replys that
he wanted to get himself a black and decka.

[Frak]

Did you hear about the african american that wore a suit to his vasectomy??

he said "If I'm gonna be impotant I might aswell look impotant"

[Kamikaze]

Funny people.. !! i got it, thanks

[JUG-HEAD]

THE OSTRICH



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.



The man says, 'A Hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

'That will be 9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be 32..62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'my second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'!!!!!

[shichi~]

LMFAO! good one

[drift kid]

bahaha, good one

[shift_rook]

haha, nice

[drift kid]

my grandfather passed away peacefully in his sleep, not like the other three pasangers.

[mitch]

Big game hunterHaha that was epic!

[Axentrik]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

[Axentrik]

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.

"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"

"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."

"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."

[Axentrik]

Chemical Analysis of Women

Element:
Woman

Symbol:
WO

Discoverer:
Adam

Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60 have been identified.

Occurrence:
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties:
Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted

[drift kid]

haha :D

[shift_rook]

very clever. where'd you get it from??

[focus_7]

How do you get an irishmen on your roof.

Invite him over and tell him drinks are on the house.

[all torque]

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

Walter

[corey70]

hahaha^^

[corey70]

whats the difference between marmalade and jam??

you cant marmalade your dick up a chicks ass...

[drift kid]

lol, gud 1

[Axentrik]

not sure where i got this joke from possibly on here.. but its one of my favourites.

whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer????



a prostitute can clean her crack out and sell it again.

[Axentrik]

what did the dick say to the condom??

cover me im goin in

[Axentrik]

A Sunday School teacher poses a question to her students. She asks them, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body enters Heaven first?" Billy raises his hand and promptly answers...."Hands first, because everytime you pray, you do so with your hands, so I beleive you enter hands first." The Sunday School teacher says, "Okay, good answer." Suzie raises her hand and says...."Feet first, I think you enter Heaven feet first." The teacher ponders this and asks Suzie, "Why do you think feet first?" Suzie replies...."Because I got up the other night and peeked inside Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom, and Mommy was screaming....OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING!!!!" "If it wasn’t for Daddy holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"

[Axentrik]

a girl named Jill always falls asleep in bible class. so one day during
class, the teacher noticed that she was sleeping. the teacher asked her,
"who died on the cross for our sins?" her friend poked her in the back,
and she yelled out "JESUS!" the next day, somebody asked her who died
on the cross for our sins. her friend poked her in the back again and she
yelled out "JESUS!" the next day, she was sleeping in bible class and the
teacher asked her, "what did Eve say to Adam in the garden?" her friend
poked her in the back again and she yelled out, "IF YOU POKE ME WITH
THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, IM GONNA BREAK IT OFF!!"

[Axentrik]

What does a Womans mouth and there vagina have in common?






answer...... I want to stick my penis in both of them

[Axentrik]

the post office is putting out a new stamp
. its a stamp with a picture of a penis on it!! i heard u were confused on which side to lick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[corey70]

i lol'd at a few of them :)

[gumbie]

more more more!!!

[Rice86]

this is the best thread to read while at work HAHAHAHA

[breno]

EDIT: Yo dude, not acceptable.

marvis.

[breno]

loll.

[cable tie]

y do women wear make up and perfume???



cause there ugly and they stink!

:P

[flamingheads]

y do women wear make up and perfume???

cause there ugly and they stink!


Possibly the worst joke I've ever heard. I almost reminds me of grade 3 except I remember the jokes being better

[Klutch]

Why do men wear deodorant and drive fancy cars?


Because they stink and the'yre compensating for something

[all torque]

Understanding Engineers - One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them
play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I
will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea.
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
-------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him And
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to
the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's way cool."

[drift kid]

^^^ lol

[focus_7]

ahh so sad but so true.

[ae86ln]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[marvis]

Hey guys no racist shit in here please.

Thanks,
marvis.

[Eircamae86]

Hey guys no racist shit in here please.

Thanks,
marvis.

irish jokes are allowed, we can take it :DD

[dr1ft-pig]

irish are awesome... they have a great taste in modding 86's

[Klutch]

irish jokes are allowed, we can take it :DD

Thats just because you're drunk all the time.

[hao.]

Why don't women need watches?


Because the time is on the oven.

[drift kid]

haha :DD

[MJ86]

Man teases his ex-wifes new husband,
how`s the 2nd hand pussy going?
new husband says," it`s great thanks...
after the first 2 inches, it`s brand new..!

[MJ86]

I was depressed last night so i called lifeline, got a call center in afghanistan. I told them i was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck.

[MJ86]

What has a xxxx bitter and going down on your sister have in common, they both taste the same but it just aint right.

[all torque]

I was depressed last night so i called lifeline, got a call center in afghanistan. I told them i was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck.

LOL, nice.

[ThatsHowWeRoll]

A man is driving along and notices a higway patrol car on the side of the road with an officer leaning on the bonnet with his laser gun.

The man checks his speed and is sitting just under the limit. 'All sweet!' he thinks. The officer then proceeds to right down his number plate.

Confused as to why this happened the man does a blocky and goes past the copper again, this time at 10km under the limit. Yet again the officer jots down his plates.

By this time the man is getting annoyed. He does another blocky and this time creeps past at 20ks under the limt. And omg the copper takes down the plates again!

A month later the man get three fines for not wearing a seatbelt.

[Zach]

Nice Bike:

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[dave2221]

Whats brown and sticky?

A STICK.

How do you make a hormone?

DONT PAY HER



ZIIIIIIIIIIING

[shift_rook]

haha brilliant

[corey70]

how do you make a sausage roll?..

push it

[focus_7]

Police in Lahore have just finished counting the bullets from Tuesday's shooting. The final result was 7 for 366.

[Jdm-Mcc]

HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH last one's pretty clever and quick.

[Revan]

A skeleton walks into a bar, he says "I'll have a schooner of new, and a mop"

[sotiros86]

Im going to rob a bank tomorrow, dressing as a clown, wearing a thong and nipple tassles. Ill be carrying a goat with a dildo up my ass and a tin of dulux. In the bank the goats gonna suck me off and ill throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting "big fat pissflaps." Once i get the cash im gonna shit on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock.............!

Lets see crime stoppers stage a re-enactment of that fucker

[sotiros86]

Crack the code.

A 992 i
Tnu) biquT2
@ nilim2
.9M

Hold the message up to a mirror

[Robo86]

^mass lolz (i actually wrote it down then held it up to a mirror ahah)

[blinded]

Copy > Paste in paint > Flip image

Much easier. Still lol'd though :P

[drift kid]

funny & clever

[shift_rook]

i lol'd pretty hard at the bank robbery thing

[Jip86]

confucious say's, he who fart in church sit in own pew

Father Murphy and Father John were staying at a cheap hotel. There was only one bathroom on each floor and both priests decided ho have a shower. When they got undressed in the bathroom, father John realized that he had forgotten the hand soap. Still nude, he decided to just make a quick dash up the hallway to his room to get some. As he was returning to the bathroom with the retrieved soap, three nuns turned down the hall way and were walking in his direction. Father John stopped and froze like a statue against the wall hoping the nuns wouldn't realize he was there. When the nuns got closer they stopped and looked at father John for a moment. The first nun commented how life like he was then reached forward and gave his willy a quick tug! he dropped a bar of soap out of surprise. The second nun said "oh look a soap dispenser!" then also gave his willy a tug and father John dropped the other bar of soap out of surprise. Upon seeing this the third nun had to have a go and had a tug, "oh" she said "it's a hand cream dispenser too!".

[drift kid]

haha XD

[driftke70]

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,

stars twinkling in the dark sky.


Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

one from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.


The night of tales begins...


Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed
the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends'.











Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well
you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny
trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on
me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then
sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'








Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[dr1ft-pig]

Lol^^

[Klutch]

what...the...fuck

LOL

[fly ryder]

whats the difference between a echidna and a police car?

with the police car all the pricks are on the inside

[driftke70]

Philemon the South African builder was going through a house he had just built for the
Woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the
first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'


The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'


When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be tan..

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep
telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what
is that for?'

The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of
Aussies laying the turf out front.'

[Brendan]

How did the blonde die raking leaves?





She fell out of the tree!

[Brendan]

little jonny was walking through his lounge room at home when he saw his nan laying naked on the couch.

he ran to the kitchen and yelled to his mother "Mum, Nans got a prawn, Nans got a prawn!!!".

puzzled the mother asks jonny to show her his nans prawn.

he leads her to the lounge and starts pointing!!! see mum, Nans got a prawn She has a look and explains "jonny thats not a prawn, its a Clitoris".

Little jonny says "oh well it Tastes like a prawn"


XD

[shift_rook]

i just threw up in my mouth a little, great one haha

[Zach]

A few.

An elephant asks a camel "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

Camel replies "oh.. that's an interesting question coming from someone with a dick on his face"





Q: What do smoking a cigarette, and eating a girl out have in common?

A: The flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.






Why do blondes have trouble counting to 70?


Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

[doony]

epic lol. 3x over hahahaa

[keiichi]

http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/7900/6rm5hvx.jpg (http://img24.imageshack.us/my.php?image=6rm5hvx.jpg)

[--Redwork--]

Amazingly simple home remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3.for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5.if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You'll be afraid to cough.

6.you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7.if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem..

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

[Kid Karola]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"


A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Kid Karola]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doin?".
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Sheila," he says, "not only are ya a top shag, but you're a real sport too", and drives off.


A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says,
"My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."


A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3lbs each, Turner Brown".
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to,
by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK?"
In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[Kid Karola]

Musical Octopuss

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.
So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix.
The guitar owner pays up the $50. Another customer walks up with a trumpet.
This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis.
The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50. Then Angus, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table.
The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says,
"Play it? I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."


A woman goes to the grocery store and carefully selects a pound of bacon, a gallon of milk,
a loaf of bread, and a carton of eggs, then gets in line at the checkout counter.
As she takes the items from her cart and loads them on the conveyor, she notices the man behind her is watching her.
As she puts the last item on the belt, the man says to her " I bet you're single?"
She says "That's amazing, I am single, how did you know that?"
He replies "Because you are f*cking ugly!"


A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 5 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*ckin' a*ss it won't be Coco Pops."

[drift kid]

that last one was funny azz, lol

[ae86hachiroku]

lol last 1 is classic

[Vance]

a man goes to see his local gp and asks for a perscription. he wants a double dose of viagra.

the doctor asks, "why do you need a double dose? are you impodent and a regular dose wont work?"

the man replies, "no not at all. its just that my girlfriend is coming over friday night, my ex-wife is over saturday night and my wife gets home on sunday night."

the doctor hads him the perscription and says, "have a great time mate."

the bloke comes back monday morning to see the doctor because he has a problem with his arm.

the doctor asks, "so what happened to your arm?"

the man replies, "no one turned up."

[svenmate]

hahaha ^^

[Zach]

Just a couple!


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?” The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!”


Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

[patience]

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?














A. Wiped his arse

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?









A. Don't take her out again

[driftke70]

this guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says im sorry you have aids,

he says oh now what can i do

doctor says, go home, eat a good portion of chilli, oat meal, a fair bit of corn and peanuts, and drink plenty of milk.

will that cure me?

no but it will remind you what your ass is for.




another guy goes to the doctor, hes got licorice all over his dick,

the doctor says i think you might have an std have you been having frequent sex?

ive been fucking allsorts!

[Zach]

A serial killer kidnaps a little girl and brings her into some deep, dark woods.

The little girl says "Gee, it's dark and creepy here, I'm scared".

The killer replies "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I gotta walk back to the car alone."



Guy says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife Replies:
"I'd take half and leave you!"
Guy says:
"Excellent! I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here's 5, now f*ck off"



I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
In your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
That I would not choke on his response; knowing he
Would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
In his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

[sr_rolla]

A guy walks into a bar and see this guy in the corner playing the most excellent classical piano ever heard, the guy walks up to the pianist and says

Bloke: "mate, thats the best piano ive ever heard, whats the name of that song?"

pianist: "its called i fu*ked your mum in the ar*e and came on your sisters back",
bloke: "mate, thats disgusting, i was going to book you for a wedding that ive got coming up but with song titles like that i cant have you playing around the family"

pianist: "thats all good mate, i just wont tell anybody what the songs are called"

A few weeks later the wedding is in full swing, everybody is having a great time but the pianist is playing terribly

bloke:"mate, i hired you because you are good, whats the matter?"

pianist "honestly mate, im a bit nervous, i normally have a wank before a show and i havent had a chance"

bloke:"well if it means you'll play better, go have your wank"

the pianist goes and has a pull nad when he comes back hes playing awesome again, as promised and all is well. The blokes sister comes up and has a word to the pianist

sister: "excuse me, i dont mean to be rude, but do you know your fly's undone, your cocks hanging out and you have cum running down your leg?"

pianist: "know it? I fu*king wrote it!"

[.ady]

This ones for those in melbourne more so the westside

The Ferrari F1 team recently fired there whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from broadmeadows. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentry on how unemployed youths in the broadmeadows area can remove a set of car wheels in less then six seconds without the proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days and ferrari would have the advantage. However the ferrari team soon encountered a major problem. Not only were "Da Boyz" changing the tyres in less then six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had the car resprayed, re-birthed and sold to the mclaren team.

[crazy86]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?





COUGH!!!

[driftke70]

police caught a man trying to light his own farts and charged him with arseon

[redsprinter]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home. .

[Zach]

Hahaha

[benno93]

confuscious say, man with hand down pants is on the ball

[driftke70]

confucious say baseball is wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk

[khoala]

confuscious say, man with hand down pants is on the ball

bhashahahahaahahaahahahahahahahahaha this is gold!

[Cerby86]

^post whore

[drift kid]

confuscious say man with dick in peanut butter jar fuking nuts

[driftke70]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic min ority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.


Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.


The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.


Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths In 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[drift kid]

lolololololololololol

[Zach]

Hahaha WIN!

[Zach]

it was my gf's birthday today......and last night i asked her 'what do you want for your birthday' she said 'something that goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds flat' so i went out and got her a set of scales

[driftke70]

how do you make your girl friend scream during sex?

call her up and tell her

[08ftwyo]

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O' Furniture

[shakes]

how do you make your girl friend scream during sex?

call her up and tell her

I'm more a fan of the bucking bronco...

While shagging her doggy grab a hand full of her hair, mention not so subtly that her sister goes harder and hold on for the ride.

[Breaka]

A married bloke gets caught by his wife having a pull to some porn.
Upset the mans wife asks him 'Darling...do you think about me when watching porn and playing with yourself'
In response the man says 'When you're eating mudcake do you think about dog shit?'

[driftke70]

the phantom is when you are doing a chick doggy, and you pull out, spit on her bum, she thinks you blew and turns around and you blow on her face.

gecko is when your doing a chick doggy against a wall, and you stick it in their but and they try and climb the wall like a gecko.


i made up an awesome joke today, so lame but i laughed for ages for some reason.

why did the sugar glider have bad bio.

cause he has such big armpits.


i know its not funny, but i love lame jokes.

[Breaka]

We all know what the Walrus is right?

[hachi_dk]

We all know what the Walrus is right?

right...

[Konakid]

beally, maths is fucking gold.

[MINIHORSE]

How do you turn a fruit ino a vegetable?
.
.
.
.
.
Give it aids

[Zach]

A, How does a new zealander find a sheep in tall grass?
Q, Satisfying

Q. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A. A lot of room

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A. A cloud

[blinded]

What's a hindu?


















Lays eggs Bru.

[that guy]

what's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?






cowboy hats are for assholes

[driftke70]

apparently the economy is so bad, woman are having sex with men because they cant afford batteries.

[biggo]

I got a message from Lara Bingle last night

it read "where the bloody hell are ya"

[ke_70]

a woman asked her doctor. how many calories is there in cum?
and the doctor replyed, honey if you swallow no one cares if your fat.

[biggo]

hahahahaha thats a good one

Your mum found out very quickly where i was

Up shit creek!

BTW that was a joke

[Andy San]

old dude at work came up with possibly the best call ever

"i'd rather be fucking her than fucking hungry"

[ke_70]

a queer walks into a gay bar. ah never mind you were there and saw it anyway

[Richard]

a queer walks into a gay bar. ah never mind you were there and saw it anyway

Yeh i was holding hands with you

[benno93]

*oh snap*