would you like to hear a joke?

[svenmate]

hahaha ^^

[Zach]

Just a couple!


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?” The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!”


Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

[patience]

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?














A. Wiped his arse

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?









A. Don't take her out again

[driftke70]

this guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says im sorry you have aids,

he says oh now what can i do

doctor says, go home, eat a good portion of chilli, oat meal, a fair bit of corn and peanuts, and drink plenty of milk.

will that cure me?

no but it will remind you what your ass is for.




another guy goes to the doctor, hes got licorice all over his dick,

the doctor says i think you might have an std have you been having frequent sex?

ive been fucking allsorts!

[Zach]

A serial killer kidnaps a little girl and brings her into some deep, dark woods.

The little girl says "Gee, it's dark and creepy here, I'm scared".

The killer replies "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I gotta walk back to the car alone."



Guy says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife Replies:
"I'd take half and leave you!"
Guy says:
"Excellent! I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here's 5, now f*ck off"



I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
In your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
That I would not choke on his response; knowing he
Would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
In his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

[sr_rolla]

A guy walks into a bar and see this guy in the corner playing the most excellent classical piano ever heard, the guy walks up to the pianist and says

Bloke: "mate, thats the best piano ive ever heard, whats the name of that song?"

pianist: "its called i fu*ked your mum in the ar*e and came on your sisters back",
bloke: "mate, thats disgusting, i was going to book you for a wedding that ive got coming up but with song titles like that i cant have you playing around the family"

pianist: "thats all good mate, i just wont tell anybody what the songs are called"

A few weeks later the wedding is in full swing, everybody is having a great time but the pianist is playing terribly

bloke:"mate, i hired you because you are good, whats the matter?"

pianist "honestly mate, im a bit nervous, i normally have a wank before a show and i havent had a chance"

bloke:"well if it means you'll play better, go have your wank"

the pianist goes and has a pull nad when he comes back hes playing awesome again, as promised and all is well. The blokes sister comes up and has a word to the pianist

sister: "excuse me, i dont mean to be rude, but do you know your fly's undone, your cocks hanging out and you have cum running down your leg?"

pianist: "know it? I fu*king wrote it!"

[.ady]

This ones for those in melbourne more so the westside

The Ferrari F1 team recently fired there whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from broadmeadows. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentry on how unemployed youths in the broadmeadows area can remove a set of car wheels in less then six seconds without the proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days and ferrari would have the advantage. However the ferrari team soon encountered a major problem. Not only were "Da Boyz" changing the tyres in less then six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had the car resprayed, re-birthed and sold to the mclaren team.

[crazy86]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?





COUGH!!!

[driftke70]

police caught a man trying to light his own farts and charged him with arseon

[redsprinter]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home. .