would you like to hear a joke?

[Richard]

Sometimes....

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy...

no one sees your smile ..



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But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

[Richard]

You could of Heard a pin drop!

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.


Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"


DeGaulle did not respond.

You could have
heard a pin drop

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:


'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have
heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,


'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have
heard a pin drop.

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...



Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.


"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.


Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.


"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said,


'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"


The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,


''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have
heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Richard]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f....g blanket.'


After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[hachi_dk]

^^ legendary lulz...........................

[Frak]

I failed my biology test the other day, the main question asked what lives in a cell, I answered, an aboriginal, works out it was the wrong answer!

[Richard]

An Englishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and
says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Richard]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first..'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

[Richard]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me ?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Richard]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Richard]

Ask Doctor Wang Cho

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).. And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.