would you like to hear a joke?

[Richard]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer and the other is a gorgeous young blonde.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re
history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet..
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display
like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can
you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies,
“No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

[Richard]

THE DEAF WIFE
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family
doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

[Marco]

"Bought myself a new deodorant stick today, Instructions said take off top, twist and push up bottom. Im still in casualty but my farts smell first class."

[Richard]

You may be Taliban if:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

[svenmate]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What have you done wrong when your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
Made the chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man runs over his wife. Who's fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Why did the woman cross the road?
It doesn't matter, why was the out of the kitchen in the first place?

[Blizzerd]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're f$cking donuts."

[Rice86]

HAHAHAHAH can always depend on this thread for a good laugh

[Mr Awsome]

thats fucking epic haha

[Richard]

Golf







Bob works hard at the office but spendstwo nights each week bowling, andplays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob ifhe'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did sheknow that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

[Richard]

*_Let me see if I understand all this..._*

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED
INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE

JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD
FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A
SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
A POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB,

A DRIVERS LICENCE,


PENSION CARD,


WELFARE,


CREDIT CARDS,


SUBSIDIZED RENT

OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

FREE EDUCATION


AND


FREE HEALTH CARE.